How to Tell a Coworker They Are Undermining You in Meetings

The short answer

Talk to them privately, not in the meeting. Name the pattern with one specific example: "When I present something, you ask a question that makes it sound like I didn't think it through — like Tuesday, 'are we sure, given what happened last time,' in front of the client. If you've got a real concern, tell me before the meeting, not the room." Skip vague asks like being 'more supportive.'

What to actually say

Open with this, more or less word for word: Hey, you got a minute — I want to talk about something that's been happening in meetings.

I've noticed that when I present something, you tend to ask a question that makes it sound like I didn't think it through, and it's happened enough times now that I don't think it's random.

Naming a pattern instead of one moment makes it much harder for them to dismiss with 'that was just one question.'

I'm not saying you're doing it on purpose — I'm saying the effect is the same either way, and I want it to stop.

This takes away their easiest exit, which is arguing about intent instead of dealing with the behavior.

Like Tuesday — I said the timeline was solid, and you asked 'are we sure, given what happened last time,' in front of the client. That's not a question, that's a vote of no confidence.

One specific, recent, checkable example beats three vague ones — it can't be waved off as a misread.

If you've got a real concern about my work, tell me before the meeting, or ask me straight, not the room.

Gives them an actual alternative behavior instead of a vague request to be nicer, which is easy to agree to and easy to ignore.

How it usually goes

A version of the conversation with the push-back left in, because that is the part you need to have already heard once.

YouHey, you got a minute — I want to talk about something that's been happening in meetings.

DanaSure, what's up.

YouWhen I present something, you've been asking questions that make it sound like I haven't thought it through — like Tuesday, 'are we sure though, given what happened last time.' It's happened enough that I've started noticing it.

DanaI was just asking a question. That's literally my job, to poke holes.

YouI'm not asking you to stop asking questions. I'm asking you to ask them to me, not about me, in front of everyone.

DanaI think you're reading a lot into normal meeting dynamics.

YouMaybe. But it's not random which of my projects you poke holes in, and I'd rather deal with it now than keep pretending I haven't noticed.

DanaSo what, I can't disagree with you anymore?

YouDisagree all you want. Just do it to my face, not to the room.

DanaFine. I didn't realize it was landing that way.

YouOkay. Let's see how the next few meetings go.

What not to say

You're doing this on purpose to make me look bad.

This puts them on trial for intent, which they can honestly deny, and the whole conversation becomes about whether they're a bad person instead of what to do next.

Everyone's noticed you do this, not just me.

This turns one conversation into a referendum and invites 'who, exactly,' which you can't answer without burning other people.

Can you just be a little more supportive in meetings?

Too vague to act on — they'll agree, mean it in the moment, and nothing changes because you never said what to actually do differently.

If they say you're being too sensitive or imagining it

Don't argue about your sensitivity — that's a debate you can't win because it's about you, not the behavior. Go back to the specific instances and stay there. Say: 'I'm not asking you to agree with how it felt — I'm telling you it happened three times in the last two weeks, and I want a fourth time not to happen.' If they keep steering toward your reaction instead of their behavior, that's information too: it tells you this won't get fixed by talking, and you should start documenting instead of re-explaining.

Frequently asked

What if they just deny it happened at all?

Don't relitigate every past meeting — you'll lose that argument on memory alone. Name two or three specific instances once, clearly, then stop defending the past and talk about what happens going forward. If it keeps happening, you're no longer trying to convince them; you're building a record.

What if my manager is in the room when it happens again?

Handle it briefly in the moment — 'happy to talk through that after' works and doesn't escalate — then follow up with the coworker privately, not your manager, unless it becomes a pattern serious enough to affect your work product or reviews.

What if this makes things worse between us?

It might. Some people get colder once they've been named, not warmer. But the current version — where you say nothing and just brace for the next meeting — isn't neutral either; it's just a worse conversation you're having with yourself instead of them.